It was wonderful being with all of you at last month’s chapter meeting. I love to answer questions from each of you. However, our time was so limited, we simply couldn’t cover all of the topics.
Mother’s Day is looming right around the corner. As a bereaved parent, how do you deal with it? Do you ignore it? Spend the day alone? Cry all day?
I have found that I survive those special days much better when I meet them head on. How do we do that? Plan ahead. What do you want to do, and what do you hope others will do on that day? Especially for those of you who have buried your only child, the question is often asked, “Am I still a mother?” Of course you are! Even if your motherhood spanned only a few weeks or months of a pregnancy, you are still a mother. Parenthood enters our lives the moment a child is conceived.
Let others know what you want to happen. Do you want to receive flowers? Do you want to go out to dinner? Do you want to visit the cemetery? Do you want to be with others? Do you want to attend church? If you have surviving children, let them or your spouse know how you want them to handle the day.
There are no rules as to how bereaved parents should face those special days, so we must set our own expectations. It is my personal opinion that the worst thing we can do is just let the day happen without any preparation on our part.
There are some pitfalls we can avoid if we plan ahead. Find out how your place of worship acknowledges mother’s day and father’s day. Years ago we attended a church that asked all mothers to stand and they presented them a flower. They also presented special gifts to the mother with the most children and to the oldest mother. I gave myself permission to skip church that Sunday. The church we attend now gives a flower to every woman in the congregation. That approach is much more comfortable for me. If you attend church, you might want to share with the pastor specific ways that may be more comfortable for everyone.
I have learned to do for others what I hope someone will do for me. I take flowers to other bereaved moms and I try to send a note or an appropriate card. When my mother was still living, I showered her with attention on Mother’s Day.
Since we have been traveling, we have had the privilege of spending Mother’s Day with our friends John and Rose in North Carolina twice. Their only child Susan died when she was 16. We went to dinner on Mother’s Day with them. If we hadn’t been there to help them plan ahead, I think they would have grieved in silence on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. |
As those who have already faced some of those difficult days, reach out to those who are newer in their grief than you are. Your pain will lessen as you make an effort to help others who are hurting.
