When our Jimmy died, our surviving children were five and three. Well intending friends assured us our living children were too young to be affected by the loss of their baby brother. I wanted to believe them, but at the time, our three-year-old daughter’s behavior screamed to the contrary. As I was standing over Jimmy’s crib in total shock, I slowly became aware that our daughter was in the same room. I turned from the crib to see our little one huddled in the corner of her bed with the blankets pulled up around her. She looked so frightened as she said, “I didn’t hurt Jimmy!” Oh my, she was experiencing a sibling’s guilt and I hadn’t said a word. I have no idea why little children immediately assume a tragedy must be their fault. I do know it is important for parents to keep reassuring their remaining children that the death of a sibling was not their fault.
I was often awakened in the night by a little hand moving over my mouth and nose. When I asked my precious three year old why she was doing this, she quickly said, “I wanted to see if God took you, too!” A belief we held on to, that God was in control of our situation, was not a comfort to our little daughter.
A youngster at three is not able to process loss in the same way that even a five year old can comprehend death. Our daughter was five when one of our newborn twins, Ethan, died while he was still in the hospital. I braced myself for my daughter’s reaction, but she simply said, “I still have Nathan.”
Even if a child seems to deal with a death in a way that is more comfortable for adults, they will often revisit grief when they have children of their own. Our son’s first child experienced a traumatic birth. Our son, Matthew, along with us, seemed to be more prepared for death than we were for this child to live. Matthew says our family goes into grief mode at the drop of a hat. When Matt first brought his baby girl home from the hospital, he held her constantly, actually appearing afraid to put her down. I mentioned to him once that the doctors said it would be safe to put her down. I saw him grip that baby just a little more tightly as he said, “Doctors don’t understand that babies can die!”
It has been my experience that the average age children deal with a childhood loss is forty. I think forty is about the age that we come to grips with all kinds of childhood trauma. Sibling grief will come and go throughout a child’s life and on into adulthood.
The best thing we can do for our surviving children is provide a safe atmosphere in which they can talk about their deceased siblings and feel free to ask questions without anyone chastising or belittling them.
Our children learn how to grieve by watching us. It is important that we are open with our feelings and thoughts. Most of all we need to assure our surviving children we are so glad they are here with us. They need to know we would grieve just as deeply if they had died rather than their sibling. We can teach them that death is a very difficult part of living, but it is possible to survive in a positive way.
